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2 years later…

Mar 22
3 min read

And my vision is more clear now, so my grief feels even stronger. Sounds crazy that my grief feels stronger after 2 years, but as the fog clears, reality is crystal clear. He has been gone for 2 whole years. The misconception in grief is that you get over it. You don't, but you do learn how to live with it. Most of the people that think that, have never experienced grief to a capacity that shows them otherwise.

In case you didnt know, There are no 5 stages of grief. Grief is NOT linear. “The "5 Stages of Grief" (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) is a widely misunderstood concept often wrongly applied as a linear checklist for mourning. Developed in 1969 by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the stages were intended for dying patients coping with their own mortality, not for bereaved survivors.”

When we entered the month of March, my body knew. Immediately, I felt a sadness, knowing that in a few short weeks was going to be his death day—the day he left his earthly body, March 27th. Today is 5 days away from his death day, and death has been on my mind. I dreamed horrible dreams & woke up seemingly angry, which is very normal in grief. My brain has naturally replayed where we were in our lives a week before he died. All the time we got to spend together the week of, which I am SO thankful for. Normally, I really try not to think about the “what ifs” but sometimes around holidays and his death day it seems to creep up on me. Losing someone close to you like that, can cause you to wonder when you will lose someone else next. That can be a dangerous place mentally because it keeps you in a constant state of fear, worry, and sadness. Feel the feelings but try not to sit here too long. I never thought I would be planning a funeral for my husband, almost 1 year after we married, while 4 months postpartum. Nothing can prepare you for the what ifs.

Surviving 2 years without Josh here really surprises me when I reflect. For 2 years, I’ve been picking up the pieces in my life and placing them back together the best as I can. Creating a new identity, because the person I was when he was here, died with him. I’ve been setting firm boundaries with those needed, raising my girls, and just navigating this life one step at a time. At moments, it feels like just yesterday, and other days it feels like YEARS that he’s been gone. He had a contagious laugh, happy spirit 99.99% of the time, and all around amazing personality. The home we once shared has become more of just my home. And that alone is a very weird transition. We still have pictures and things in remeberence of him. But… His tooth brush is no longer on the sink. The smell of his cologne no longer lingers in the room. His clothes are no longer in the closet. His coffee cup no longer sits beside mine. His snacks are no longer in the pantry, nor his soda in the fridge. His truck & work equipment no longer sit in our driveway. The things that once brought so much joy became a sore to a life I was grieving.

2 years gone, yet the reality of him gone is so much clearer. Im sitting with sadness and anger today. Remember that ALL emotions are normal. As a Christian, I hold on to that I will see him again in Heaven. No one truly knows how we will remember each other there, but I hold out hope that he will see me, and know that he once shared a life with me. I know that when we do get to heaven, we will be overwhelmed with great joy and love. Sadness, sorrow, and pain will be no more. Im not ready to die and be away from my kids, but I am #Raptureready 🤣

Hold space for your grief.

Also a big piece of advice I might add in, is that if you are married, and/or have children, get a life insurance policy. A big one. Meet with a lawyer and draw up a will, especially if you’ve lost your spouse. I dont care how old you are… If you are married and /or have children, do those things bc you dont always have time. We all think we have more time than we do.

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