Remembering where I was a year ago…. And noticing where I am now..

From March til June, there are a lot of dates that are upon me. Last year, it went in order of Josh’s death day, Easter, my birthday, his funeral, our wedding anniversary, honeymoon, and his birthday. Let’s be honest, that is ALOT of dates to tug at my heart strings.

And now that some of those dates have passed, I find myself reflecting back to where I was mentally, emotionally, and physically ect days/months after he died. This whole journey has been & will be a lot. Not just milestones, but moments I share with my kids, or happy/sad moments for me that I wish I could talk to him about because he was my person.

Honestly, it shakes me thinking of where i was a year ago… I remember the deep & agonizing pain I felt the moment I got the call he was in an accident, and that feeling was engulfing for a long time. Days after he died, I became a little robot. I have never in my life felt such pain. My person was snatched away from me in a blink. I cried a lot, prayed a lot, dazed out, and took care of my kiddos. My sister in law, Heather, stayed with me the night he died and a few days after, when I sent her home. She did her best to make sure I took in some protein or ate a snack here and there. She said & I quote, “I like to use liquid protein as my creamer, you want to try it? It’s good!” And I tried it. And later I was like Ahhh I see what you did there… 🤣 I would start loads of laundry… and when I say start, I mean put them in the washer and not shut the lid or add detergent. She would finish them. Bless her… She distantly followed behind me for a little while. She also handled ~all~ the things when it came to setting me up with a social security appt, contacting the companies where Josh bought his work truck and wood chipper, and doing day to day stuff that I couldn’t mentally handle but needed immediate attention. Sigh. Heather has been in my life since 2006. 19 years!!!! I dont think I even realized how long she’s been in my life until typing it out.. Her and my brother took on so much for me during the first year of my grief journey. I will never be able to thank them enough for being a solid & constant rock through all of this.

Today, I am SO thankful for growth. Doesn’t mean I’m never sad or engulfed with grief… but it sure isn’t as engulfing as it was then! A year ago, I was in such a heart broken headspace. I wanted the rapture to come right then, because then I would be with josh again. Still hoping the rapture is sooner rather than later, but glad I have had the chance to grow and find beauty in the ashes. The pain I felt from losing Josh, and then having to pick myself up & put myself back together from a bazillion pieces, yeah I dont wish that on anyone… Not even people I’m not super fond of! Life will never be the same, and that is reality. For the most part, I have accepted that he isn’t coming back. The girls and I are finally feeling “more normal”. We are learning to live and not stay stagnant. We are learning who we are as a family of 3.