Signs they are with you…

I listened to the most recent podcast from my grief coach and it was on ”The shock of widowhood” from an interview with a current member that she coaches. She spoke on this and It made me realize that we all search and want signs from our loved ones whom have died. It’s natural. When I lost Josh, naturally I wanted to feel he was with me. Just a small sign…. Anything… I was grasping at closure… Losing him so tragically just felt like the rug was snatched out from under me. Soon after losing him, a friend of mine that had lost her son years ago, asked me if I had felt like he had given me any signs of his presence… And I was like actually yes!! She encouraged me to write it down, because being so thick in grief, she knew I likely wouldn’t remember it later. So i jotted down in a journal anytime I felt like he was with me. Im still thankful she encouraged it.

I know that scripture says to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. As a Christian, I have struggled with if that was really Josh or not. Or was it God giving me a safety net to feel Josh close to me. I know my hope is in Jesus, yes. But I also know that those feelings of closeness, or signs that I could feel he was with me, got me through a lot of dark & deep pain. I actually still have signs to this day. Do we really know? No. We dont know what they can see from heaven. We dont know if God grants them to visit us. We dont know if they even worry about us because they are in Gods presence. So for me, I take it as a “God wink” and that God allows him to give me signs. Some may disagree and that is okay. Some may even think you are crazy, and that is okay too. Your feelings on the matter may change though, when you lose someone extremely close to you. I will absolutely be here to support you if so!

Some of the little reminders and signs I felt were:

1. Soon after he died, Stella was gifted a cute tent that took batteries to power it. She enjoyed sleeping in it. It felt safe to her in the thick of grief. I mentioned to my brother and his wife that I will need lots of batteries to power it. That very same day or next day, My brother, SIL, and I were on our way to clean out Josh’s bucket truck. When we got there and I opened the door, guess what was laying inside? An entire sleeve of double A batteries…. I got chills and giggled, and cried and said “Thanks babe…”

   
   

2. I woke in the night to a very sensitive spont on the side of my head that was exposed. It felt as if it was being rubbed. It brought comfort that he was there.

   
   

3. Was filled with anger and rage that he was gone. Asking WHY ….. WHY ME???? When my phone disconnected from my Ford Edge (And it NEVER did that) and 104.5 was playing Chris Daughtery “Im Going home” and it was at the beginning of the chorus saying “ Im going home, to the place where I belong. Your love has always been enough for me.” And then my phone reconnected…….. I sobbed and thanked him for that.

   
   

4. While i was looking at the cubbies in his closet, i came across a metal guitar pic that I had never seen before. It had the scripture John 16: 33 which was his favorite verse. It said “ I have told you all of this, so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth, you will have many trials and sorrow. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

   
   

5. Days after he passed, Nick was holding the baby. I had clipped her pacy onto her outfit. Shortly after, Nick said “I just got a chill” and it was only on one of his arms… and about that time her pacy & pacy clip flew off of her a few feet away. Everyone saw it and we all laughed bc it was like Josh was playing a prank saying “Gotcha!”

   
   

6. Recently I was getting ready to go to bed, and as I turned off the lamp and called the dog, I got a whiff of how he always smelled after a day of cutting trees. It’s been a year and 2 months since I smelled that… Totally stopped me in my tracks…

   
   

7. Ive had multiple “Visitation dreams” Where we never get to speak to each other back & forth. I’ve actually never gotten to speak in those dreams. He would give me a look, and smile, and then be gone. In one, I walked din and he was holding the baby, and we would get a glimpse of each other, grin, and then he would be gone, ect. And those dreams meant more to me than I ever realized. It’s almost as if he just wants me to know he sees me and he loves me. Even from Heaven..

   
   

8. Early on, heavy in grief, I kept seeing robins. Lots of robins. And one day as i was shutting the door there was one that was on my mailbox. I thought, if thats you, come to the porch………. And …… that robin hopped all the way to the porch in 3 hop increments! It looked at me directly and then flew off. Robins are suppose to symbolize new beginnings, and growth.

   
   

9. Josh loved his hummingbird feeder. He couldn’t wait for the hummingbirds to come back. He passed weeks before they did.. When I went to get stamps to start mailing thank you cards out for those that gifted things to me and the girls, the only stamps they had were hummingbirds. She said are these okay? It is all we have at the moment. I grinned and said yes.
   

How beautiful is it to find beauty in the ashes?? Some May be like what? This is bizarre, but its very normal to want to feel that connection and to also see signs. Forever grateful for the little winks I get from above.