Survival Mode

What is “Survival Mode”? The brains way of booting into “safe mode” after a trauma, life altering event, or even burn out. It is a constant state of stress to keep you safe. An article from the Jefferson Center states that “ The trauma responses are Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. These result in your body saying “essential functions only.” That is  why trauma responses often feel like a lack of focus, the “wait, what just happened?” The feeling of reading something five times over and still don’t know what it’s about. Feel like you are operating on a short fuse or simply just exhausted and procrastinating tasks you wouldn’t usually procrastinate.”

I spend a lot of time reflecting on where I was mentally in 2024 & am in 2025. So much of the fog has cleared that I can actually think back and reflect on who made my life easier ( meaning those who made space for my grief without a time limit), those who made my life a hell of a lot harder (didn’t make any space for my grief, but instead projected their emotions on me), how much self compassion I was able to give myself because of grief coaching tools & therapy, and how much growth I made because I felt all of my feelings as they came and had tools to process them. I didn’t realize how many boundaries I’d have to have in place for myself. Boundaries are kind of the key.

Ooof 🎤🫳🏻

Just 3 months after losing my husband, I was handed a lot of judgement. I was accused of things that were not my responsibility. Blamed for not updating people, when in reality, It isn’t my job to do that but they also never reach out.. I was shown very little compassion by some. Some people even wanted to compete in the grief Olympics. 😵‍💫 No matter the years you knew them or relationship type, Not one persons grief is bigger than others, and the fact that some think that is kind of cynical. At the end of the day, I became okay with being the villain, bc I knew it wasnt my responsibility to update anyone, It wasnt my duty to make anyone “feel” good about themselves, and it wasnt on me if I were talked about. Looking back on all of that, I’m amazed at what some people expected from me shortly after being hit with a trauma that would change my life forever, as if I owed them something. I’ve had to remind myself quite a bit, that if I wouldn’t accept advice from that person, why would i accept criticism? You can’t control what someone will say, do, or how they will try to make you look. Jesus was perfect, and the world still hated him. What would make me any different?

Now that the fog has cleared and I am out of survival mode, I can say it lasted for 10-11 months. Can you imagine being in a state of “safe mode” for that long? Can you Imagine how stressful that was? Can you imagine having to choose to rise above the hate & negativity to put yourself & your kids first, when you have very little strength? THAT TAKES STRENGTH. After the first 2-3 months of his passing, I was back to functioning a little but not much. I knew I didn’t want to be in that state forever so I PUT IN ALOT OF WORK. I had to learn how to regulate my nervous system, show up for myself, and meet myself where i was at… with kindness & compassion! It was brutal. It was so painful. It was unbearable. But I did it! I had to close off my ears & realize that negative opinions said more about them than it did about me. I mean how do you think it would make you look if you shame/run down a widowed mom to 2 small children, who was doing her best with how she knew how? 👀 The dust has mostly settled, and I know my limits. My circle includes people who support me & genuinely cheer me on. I make time for those that made our life a lot easier when we were faced with something unimaginable. Losing Josh and walking this walk, I realize how so much of the world is selfish. I realize how many need therapy to learn to not project their emotions and feelings on others. I realize how many are so cynical. Did any of that make me bitter? Not quite. Do I have stronger boundaries and tolerate very little BS? Yes, for sure. It also made me realize who loved me & my little family without an agenda. It made me realize who was REALLY a friend to me. The connections that were built during that time are so solid. I honestly cant fully explain it. Just know that grief will show you a lot about those around you; You wont like a lot of it, and you may find yourself amazed by the friendships that take root.

It took the dust settling for me to fully see it. Quoted from a podcast, “Your wound is likely not your fault but your healing is your responsibility.” That holds so much power.

🤍🤍🤍