The weight of the holidays can be heavy…. 😵‍💫

This year has been different. This time last year, it had only been 8ish months from losing Josh and I was in such survival mode. Anxious over the holidays, thinking I didn’t get enough for the kids, because mentally it felt like that would compensate their loss too, though it would not. I was dealing with drama from his side of the family and it was utterly exhausting. And this year I am not so much survival mode, the year has been way quieter, so the lens is clearer! After Thanksgiving I started feeling very sad, and the weight of the holidays started to feel heavy. Joy and sadness coexist regularly, but this year is different.

The “firsts” are talked about as being very difficult. And where they do carry heavy weight and sadness, the second year without them isnt talked about enough. I’m not anxious like I was. Just sad, And this sadness is deep in my bones. This second year is a year of new too. This is the time that as you step out of full submission of survival mode and see things as they are. I smile with happiness as my kids see their Santa gifts and gifts from me, but I tear up in moments, knowing that this is my life. My life of being alone, no Josh in sight. I’ve always been a fairly independent strong woman, but with Josh he softened me. I became dependent on him and enjoyed every minute of it. Now I’m back to being a strong & independent woman again, raising my girls without him and that reality is sad.

So, the holidays were tough. Not going to sugar coat that. I cried a lot, with only a few knowing. I ate a lot of my feelings. After a visitation dream that was so intense with happiness, it sent me into a spiral of grief.. So I binged watched shows to avoid sleep & dreams. I’m absolutely human.

Thank you to my village of people who pray for us, listen, sit with me, and dont judge when I say I’m having a grief-y day. I love you, you know who you are.