Unseen moments, Unspoken words

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me that he is missing all of what im experiencing with our little family. It doesnt make me feel better to think he sees it all. It feels cruel to me to think he can see it all but cant do anything about it. I cant imagine life move on without me, knowing I couldn’t touch, love on, or speak to my spouse & kids. I know there is no evil in heaven, no sadness, no pain, and no hatred. Is he even concerned with us on earth now that he is in Heaven? None of us truly know what they can see or experience. In grief, it is so common that we cling to what gives us hope. I giggle when Christians immediately say “Our hope is in Jesus” when they dont know what to say to someone grieving….and yes, our hope is… but that isn’t what a grieving person needs to hear. Jesus himself comforts us, those words alone do not.

Once I made the decision to step away from the only social media I was on, it cut the “Memories” out that would prompt on there daily. They were so bittersweet. Some days it made me smile as I reflected on the past and the love I got to experience. And some days it was a throat punch, causing me such sad feelings and overwhelm with sad emotion. My Google photos app hits me in the gut sometimes when it reminds me where I was so many years ago, or “on this day” blah blah blah…. Sometimes reflection causes a lot of suffering. Feeling that pain is part of grieving. Staying there, however, is not. I let it come and go, feeling the feelings as they pop up. Lately I have been sad. It may sound odd, but now that Im in a clearer headspace, I feel a different stage of grief as it comes in its waves. I have heard that sometimes the years to follow the 1 year mark are a different kind of hard each year. I think its because we are constantly changing, which prompts different forms of grief. For this wave of grief, I’m sad that only I get to see the kids grow & thrive. I’m sad that I cant call him and tell him what each other the girls have done that was funny or scary. I’m sad he cant see me and what I’ve accomplished since his passing. If he could, I think he would say “ Wow you are killing it. I am so proud of you babe.“ One thing I miss the most, is just sharing this life with him. We created a beautiful and loving life; A friendship in each other that most marriages lack. Hes been gone for 1 year & 4 months, so Who knew that going and buying a washer & dryer now would break my heart in 2 because He wasnt a part of the process.. Experiencing life without him here doesnt always hit me where it hurts. Some days I smile and know that if he could see it he would be so proud. And other days I feel sad that he’s missing it. Waves of grief are unpredictable.

This can be a dangerous state to stay in. This state of grief can hold you back from continually healing. I’m thankful I was taught in my grief coaching group to feel the feelings and let them pass through me; because either way, whether bottled up or passing through immediately, YOU HAVE TO FEEL THEM. It’s a lot easier (not to imply that it is easy) to just let them pass as they come.