God.. Where are you?

James 4:8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

It doesn’t always feel that way, though it is scripture!

In the beginning, I got asked how I was, alot, and it felt weird to say, “I’m actually doing okay” but I was “okay” in a sense. I was heartbroken, but I was comforted by Jesus. I felt the presence of God so strongly for 4-5 months, even in the tsunami of grief waves I would have. Looking back on how I made it thus far, I can only give him the glory for truly getting me through, mentally & physically. There have been so many prayers answered and comfort that I’ve felt from him, in the midst of grieving my spouse. It was a joy I couldn’t explain. Then, it got radio silent. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t feeling God as closely as I had earlier on in this walk. I still prayed, I was still leaning on him. So where was he?

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Psalm 34:18 The LORD is near to the broken hearted and saves those that are crushed in spirit.

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Along with shock, I felt such sadness. The sadness, sleep deprivation, and caring for my babies had me pretty occupied… But oh boy, when the anger set in, I was MAD. BIG MAD. And I let God know it too. How could he let this happen to me? How could he allow me to become a solo parent? How could he take one of his best soldiers in the army of God??? In total vulnerability, I cussed him, yelled, cried, screamed, sobbed, and questioned everything I had ever been taught about him. And you know what he did? He sat and listened. He still poured out love and blessings. He didn’t turn his back on me, though I wouldn’t have blamed him, because I was filled with rage. Which I expressed to him. IDK if you know it or not but its not good to keep it bottled up. Once I calmed down, I apologized and asked him to help me process these big feelings. ( Obviously this happened more than once…) I don’t like being angry. I don’t like drama. And I don’t feed on conflict.

At one point in the last month, it seemed like God was silent. I couldn’t hear him. We were right in the thick of us having COVID, the baby’s had moved to her chest, and then turned to bronchitis…… Yeah, I was EXHAUSTED! And I felt like death. Honestly though, I think the enemy knows if he can get us tired physically, We are “weaker” spiritually and way easier to succumb to his lies.. and he can get us to start to question God. Satan seeks to kill, steal, and destroy. I started questioning why God would let me do this alone. I didn’t have my partner to tag team with me while I was sick and the baby was sick. Normally, Josh would jump right in to let me rest. I angrily prayed…… I was so so so so frustrated… I couldn’t hear him… and im sure those waves of frustration will come and go, but then God started using friends, my child, and a hummingbird to minister to me. They had no idea what I was really going through, but he used them to speak to me.

It was then that I could see he was there, my ears were just muffled and my eyes were blinded. It was then that I had to say “ Okay, I trust you and this process. My pain will not be for nothing. I trust you are going to use this for good. I trust that you are not going to allow me to do this alone forever. I am trusting you. ” And maybe that is what he wanted. Maybe he wanted me to just put the trust in his hands and stop focusing on the fact Josh wasn’t here. Shifting your mindset can be a game changer.

I know that even if I get the answer as to WHY or HOW this happened, it still wouldn’t change the fact that Josh was gone. He wasn’t coming back either way. So I had to make a choice…. Sit here, very bitter, angry, mad, and not understanding why ( causing myself some suffering) OR show myself some grace, allow myself to know I don’t have to know WHY to be able accept that he is gone. I had to make a choice because it not only effected me, but also my children. If I am miserable, they are going to be miserable. If I hate life, they are going to hate life.

Sometimes it feels like he’s not there. Silence doesnt mean absent. Silence is one of the most difficult tests of our faith, in my opinion. When it feels like he’s not near, try to speak past blessings over yourself. Call to rememberance the things he has done for you.

Psalm 34:15 His eyes are on the righteousness and his ears are open to their cry.