My widow story

(The morning of the accident)

This is a tough one to write about. It may be triggering a well. Honestly, I've had this blog tab opened for weeks, trying to find the words. Thankfully, In my grief group, we talk about our story. There is a lot I have blocked out, for that was an extremely traumatic day for me.

Every widow has a story. Here is mine.

So let’s start with that morning…. The day my life changed very drastically was on March 27, 2024. It was a Wednesday. The weather was chilly that morning. It was 4 days before Easter Sunday.

Josh got up at 5am to have “quiet time” with Jesus, enjoy his coffee, and start loading up his bucket truck for work that day. Normally, We would get up at 6am together, have “quiet time” with Jesus, and drink coffee. That was how we spent most of our mornings, though that was not the case for that day. I got up at 6, made my coffee, swept the tablespoon of sugar off the counter from where he made his coffee, had my quiet time, and then briefly talked with him about something we were discussing the night before. A little later, As I was straightening my hair, he came in and gave me a kiss & told me he loved as he was about to leave. It was more of a rushed morning, which wasn’t our norm. He headed off to Ripley to start the days work. And That was the last time I talked to him.

I dropped Stella off at preschool around 9am. I got to the doctors office that was all the way down on Poplar Ave, around 10. And for those that don’t know, that’s an hour from our house. I hadn’t heard from Josh yet, which wasn’t abnormal because normally he would call me when he took a break. I fed the baby and changed her diaper while I was in the room waiting to be seen. Something nudged me to go ahead and buckle her back in her car seat before the doctor came in. The doctor came and talked with me and as she was finishing up my phone rang. It was my SIL, Kim. I didn’t answer at first because I was finishing up with the doctor. But, when she called right back I knew immediately something wasn’t right. I don’t remember much about the conversation because when I heard “Hey, where are you? Are you home? (Long pause) There’s been an accident.” Everything went blank after that. I ran with all my might to my car, to try and get to him, hoping he was just unconscious. Maybe a few broken bones. I was an hour and a half away.

That was the longest drive of my life. Thankfully, We made it to the hospital safely, though I was speeding like crazy. On the way, I had called my parents, my brother, my sister in law, my best friend Sheena, my friend Allie, and our pastors wife. I remember talking to my BIL, Nick, a few times while I was on my way to him. Even if he was exploding inside, He kept such a calm tone the entire time he talked to me. Maybe that was the fire fighter in him, maybe it was God trying to keep me calm. Maybe both.

The accident took place in Ripley TN. It was a normal day. Josh was having a great time, doing what he loved. I was told, by one of the guys working with him that day, that they had talked about the time he spent in the word and with Jesus along with other stuff. Just cutting up and enjoying the work. And that when he fell, all they heard on their end of the headset was “whoa”. The boom on his bucket truck broke, and he fell to his death.

By the time I arrived at the hospital, he was already gone. He actually was never revived from the moment the accident happened and he hit the ground. And oddly enough, that does bring me some comfort to me, knowing he wasn’t waiting on me so he could pass.

As I pulled up at the hospital, I was greeted by our nephew, Cam. He gave me a hug. That hug made it all the more real for me. He sat with Nora and my vehicle until my SIL Heather got to him. I don’t remember much between that and going to see Josh’s body. I was shielded from the image of them doing CPR and seeing his lifeless body not be revived. I feel like God knew I would have enough to carry with Josh’s death, the death of the love of my life, No need to add extra. I know it was very traumatizing for the family members that did witness that.

Family and friends gathered at the hospital. We told jokes, cried, laughed, and all just sat there in the waiting room in shock. After hours of being there, I remember looking at Nick and saying “I’m ready to go home.” And he said “let’s go!” I didn’t know what home was going to be like but I knew I didn’t want to be at the hospital any longer. Me and the baby got in my suv and went to head home, when my mom hopped in the front seat. I was still in such shock.

My SIL, Heather, volunteered to stay with me. Hours after we got home, she ordered food from milanos and made me eat a few bites. It’s truly hard to eat when you are sucker punched to the heart & gut.

The day ended, and I had officially survived my hardest day on earth. I am living proof that you CAN survive 100% of your hardest days.

Some of Josh’s family came to visit, but I truly don’t remember much about it. When it came time for bed, the baby would only sleep in our room. It’s all she had ever known. So that’s where I slept. Or didn’t sleep but laid, sobbed, and had panic attacks all night. And surprisingly she slept like normal.

Thankfully, I had a few days before I had to tell my oldest. I didn’t know how I was going to tell her that her bonus dad was no longer earth side. I had to google how to share bad news like that with your children. Also, this is something I never thought I’d have to read up on. You’re told to be blunt. Use the word death and dead. Don’t say “Gone” because it implies they could come back. Don’t do this or that. Nothing prepares you for that conversation.

I’m learning we are living on borrowed time. One day, our day will come. Josh lived life to the fullest. He loved. He was one of the happiest people you ever met. He forgave people like the Bible instructs us to.

If I’ve learned anything from his death, it’s that life is short. No matter the years we get, life is short.

Live like Josh 🤍