Solo parenting

I was a single mom, many years ago, before I met my late husband. And as challenging as it was, nothing compares to being a solo parent after losing a very present & hands on spouse.

Not long after we got together, I had learned to let my guard down with Josh. I knew whole heartedly I could count on him to parent my oldest in a very positive way. I’d watched him step into his role as a Bonus dad with such passion. I could count on him to tag team this life with me especially on the days I was exhausted.

Fast forward to us having a baby of our own, I learned how to truly count on him. He helped tag team all the aspects of parenting, house chores, and working. All the while maintaining a healthy marriage with me. It took work on both ends, but don’t all relationships?

I never ever imagined I would be raising both girls alone. Nothing in life can prepare you for being Widowed at 32, two kids under the age of 5, and figuring out how to do life without your spouse.

Had the thought crossed my mind, that anything could happen, and that life could sweep Josh away from me? YES… but fully grasping that it may really happen? NO. Doing it all, when you once had balanced help, will knock you off your feet.

If you have a spouse, think of how much they bring to the table. Of how much they really help you in this life. Cherish that! We did our best to. We tried not to take the days for granted and to make things right if there was ever any minor conflict. God created Adam and Eve to be partners in this life. A helpmate.

Losing a spouse is hard… Parenting after losing a spouse is even harder. Very quickly I was grieving for the 3 of us. The baby could sense he wasn’t there, my oldest didn’t understand why he didn’t come home, and I was grieving the life I once knew. It took a while for the oldest to grasp that he wasn’t coming back home. And occasionally she will ask if he will ever visit from heaven, which shatters my heart for her. In the beginning, She would run to the door and see his truck parked where it always was parked, and think he just got there, all the while he left in his work truck on the day of his death.

And now, Just when I think I have it •somewhat• together, life throws a curve ball. And man, there have been so many curveballs since his death.

I’ve stopped apologizing for how I grieve. I’ve stopped apologizing for not conforming to how others think my life should be lived. And Im way more Okay with being judged than I was before.

As another widow stated, there are no rules with grief & parenting. You take it one day at a time, sometimes breath by breath.