The closet

I’ve been told that “You’ll know” when you’re ready, in any decision making in grief. And so far, it’s been very true for me. Baby steps. But it’s like a light bulb goes off when I’m ready, no matter what it is about.

When Josh died, I couldn’t imagine his coffee cup not sitting under our Kuerig, his clothes not hanging in the closet, his iPad not having his stuff on it, his stuff not being in the shower, and his shoes not being tucked under the coat tree. The overwhelm of feelings that come flooding in, when your life partner is just drastically taken from you, make it seem like life will never have a bright side.

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Today, I cleaned out my husbands closet. And yes, it was a very emotional day.

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When he passed, seeing all of his stuff in the closet brought a great deal of comfort. It was like his stuff was there, just waiting for him to return. I watched him get dressed in front of that closet a thousand times. After he passed, I would go and stand in front of it, very often, and just bury my face in his clean clothes, some still smelling like him, and cry. It was very therapeutic to stand there and feel connected to a life that was gone. As I took each piece off the hanger, Nicely folding it for the tote I’m keeping it in, I felt so many feelings flood, as I sobbed & prayed to just get through it. I was ready. But that doesn’t mean it was easy.

This past week, I realized that the closet that was so full of clothes/shoes that used to bring such comfort, well they didnt do that any more. It’s a huge reminder that my very so full of life husband wasn’t returning. Not to this earthly home atleast.

Thankfully, A close friend of mine suggested getting a t shirt blanket made, with all of his t shirts. (Oh did he have so many t shirts 😂🫣) This brought so much comfort and love to this hard day. I get to honor him, and keep his spirit alive for the girls with a very cozy blanket, that will display all of his favorite shirts.

(Edited to add image, now that the quilt is back)

If you find yourself feeling judgmental over how/when a widow/widower goes through their loved ones things or makes any decsions, I want you to pause. Pause and remind yourself that you haven’t had to do this yet. And honestly if you have, I’d expect more grace from you. You don’t know HOW you’ll handle anything until it’s your turn to live the nightmare.