The funeral

I never in a million years imagined that I would be planning my husbands funeral; Just shortly one day after he died and 4 months after we brought our daughter into the world… We were in our thirties… we were just getting started GOOD.. We were so happy it made people sick, we had a lifetime ahead, we had plans, or so we thought 😞 I was suppose to grow old with Joshua, sitting in our rocking chairs on our front porch while we watched our grandchildren play. We had a dream.

Now that it’s been 6 months since his passing, I’ve been reflecting back on what I remember from the moment I found out he was no longer earthside, up until after his funeral. Let me just say …

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SOME BUT NOT MUCH.

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I didn’t sleep much the night before his funeral. Heck, I didn’t sleep much the first TWO months after. Sleep deprivation was extreme. Kinda still is.

A few days before the funeral, I realized I didn’t have much that fit, because I was only post partum 4 months and battling a thyroid issue. When Josh passed, within 1 week of the loss, I lost 10 pounds. Now, it’s 20 lbs. My mom, the baby, and I made a quick trip to Catos so I could grab something to wear. That quick trip completely exhausted me. I vaguely remember some of family wanting to help with the baby, but her and I were like Velcro. Still are, actually.

On the morning of the funeral, It was such a beautiful day. I got up before my girls, showered, slipped into this long sleeve black dress, and put on some makeup. My first thought was “If Josh were here, he would definitely be hitting on me”…I didn’t have much energy but I wanted to feel like I didn’t look like death; because Lord knows that’s how I felt! I got both of my girls ready, and fed them breakfast. My oldests dad came and picked her up & brought her to the funeral/ stayed with her the entire time, so I could focus on what I needed too, mainly with being up front.

(The front of his funeral book)

I got to the funeral home early, just me and the baby. I wanted to be alone when I saw Josh in the casket. He looked good but he didn’t look like my Josh. It was so cold in there… and emotionally I was numb.. Completley numb. There wasn’t many tears left in my body to cry. Do you know how awkward it is when everyone is sobbing but you are not, and you’re the wife? Pretty awkward. I found myself trying to comfort them…. Or saying awkward things! The thoughts spiraled in my head of that this was all real, all the people that were going to offer condolences, and standing for 4 hours straight. Based on my memory, I have not the slightest idea of who all came. I recently got the strength to look at the signature book, and i was BLOWN AWAY as to how many lines were filled out. 222 lines. Most of those lines had multiple people. Let’s just multiply it by 2, and call it a day. So….. 444 people! I remember maybe 20 of them…. I knew my husband knew the entire world, but I was still blown away at the outpouring that day. I remember my brother and Josh’s cousin Pat being by my side the whole time. They both asked often if I need a break, a drink of water, or a seat. I was just there, felt like i was in my shell of a body but I had checked out otherwise.

I can still remember my legs being so cold. And the smell of my deceased husband…. Yeah, I will be really honest…. He smelled …. And that smell is forever in my nose. Josh and I were so cautious with who/ what all Nora was exposed to since she was born on Thanksgiving. I deeply appreciated his & Gods lil wink that day… Because she slept the ENTIRE DAY and that night…. One thing that bothered me, is the amount of people that kept trying to uncover the baby’s face to “sneak a peek” while i was by the casket to receive condolences. I get that they wanted to see the baby, but while im standing beside my dead husband, holding it together by a thread is not the time. Don’t do that.

The service was even more beautiful than I could have imagined. The weight that is immediately placed on a widows shoulders when her spouse dies is insane. Planning a funeral is like planning a wedding. SO MANY DECISIONS. There is attire for the deceased and for the pallbearers, flowers, music, pictures to be displayed on the slideshow, the casket, and burial plot. And you have to do all of this within a few days of losing them. I had great support between my immediate family and Josh’s immediate family during that time. Quite frankly, I don’t know how I would have made it without my brother & his wife, and Josh’s brother during the first week.

The graveside was emotional and funny. It was weird being the one ushered onto the front row sitting on the plastic chairs. My oldest is little and does NOT know how to keep her gas in.. Do you see where I am going with this? Her and Josh tooted on each other ALL THE TIME. Well, while the preacher was preaching graveside, she let it rip….. and all that were around just giggled…. She said “ Mom I have to get my gas off my belly” Which was also very much so her bonus dad speaking through her!

Once it was all over you couldn’t get me out of that place fast enough. I flew home and washed mine & Stella’s hands, arms, and then washed baby.

I was never more glad to see a day end than I was that day. Funerals are a lot. It was a full day of being reminded he wasn’t coming home.