The moment my smile started shifting

About a month or 2 after Josh died I mustered up strength to smile and carry on for my kids. Mostly it was forced and there was a lot of exhaustion behind it; But I didn’t want to be down in the pit of grief any longer. Grief can be very consuming, especially as you feel the feelings you need to feel to actually process it. I knew then and I know now that grief waves will come but I didn’t want to go to that pit and die, so to speak. And trust me, it’s been a very long & hard 7 months… I’ve had to feel all the feelings from the moment Josh died, even now. When he died, I didn’t get back on Zoloft, a medication I took temporarily while I battled pregnancy & postpartum depression. I’m very pro anxiety meds if you need them, no judgement. I chose to let the depression happen, because I knew/know I would have to face the feelings regardless, whether medicated or not. Has it been easy? HECK NAW. It still isn’t easy, But I am doing it! 👏🏻 fighting for my happiness with all of my might.

About a month ago, I remember feeling my smile shift… the feeling behind the smile changed in a positive way. And dude, It felt so good! I remember waking up and fixing my hair, getting dressed, and just feeling such joy in flow through my body. I remember wanting to put on lipstick, which is my favorite thing to wear. The moment the lipstick happened I KNEW I was shifting. I have been investing in my mental health and making progress in my grief for about 5 months at this point. Grief is forever, but you can make progress in it. The moment I felt it, close friends noticed too.

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“Girl, I haven’t seen you genuinely smile like that in a long time.”

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That is when it dawned on me, on just how much progress I had made from all the work I had put into my grief group. It felt like the cloud I had been living in, for most of 2024, had lifted off of my head. Grief clouds come and go, but the ginormous one that has been there, felt as if it had lifted. Will it come back? Oh yeah, Probably. Our youngest 1st birthday is coming up. The holidays are around the corner. Grief is exhausting.

My best advice for anyone grieving, is to invest in yourself mentally. You have to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else. I’ve always been a pro mental health person. My friends and family will tell you I preach it. But this is next level! Investing in your grief WILL make a world of difference for you. Investing in a grief coach that focuses on widowed moms, opened up an entire community I didn’t really know I needed. They get me. They understand. We all have similar feelings. No story is the same but our brains tell us the same stories.

When people say community is what you need in grief, it is not always your family and friends. (Totally not discrediting them. I’m grateful for those that have really shown grace to me over the past 7 Months) BUT Sometimes community is plugging in somewhere that you can connect with strangers without judgement. Feeling my smile come back was a good feeling.