The one year mark is coming…

Each day I mark off another day from the calendar. And I can tell that my body knows what is coming… I literally can sense the tenseness I feel in my body without purposely thinking about it.. really? It’s almost been one whole year…. WHAT?

I have moments where I think, “Wow, it’s already the middle of February! Next month makes ONE YEAR since my life changed so drastically.” Or “Man it’s been a hell of a year, but I survived 100% of my worst days.” Or “Has he really been gone that long??”

I never expected this year to fly by but when you’re in survival mode it seemingly just does. In each moment, it felt like it drug on, believe me… but looking back it seems it became a whirlwind! Naturally, I’d give anything to have him back. About the only thing I wouldn’t trade his life for, is the life of my children, and I know he wouldn’t either. If I could give anything else to have him back, I would. I’ll never understand why he was called home so early… or why he doesn’t get to see the girls grow up… or why he doesn’t get to physically grow old with me.. Even if I had the answers, would it matter? No. It wouldn’t magically cure the pain I feel each day with him gone. In the beginning, I truly thought the pain I felt would kill me. It was so strong and engulfing. I’m honestly surprised I didn’t die from a broken heart, because that is a thing.

One of the hardest parts of all of this, is losing my absolute best friend. We laughed, talked, loved, and enjoyed each others presence •every•single•day. (Can you say that about your spouse?) Even on the days we annoyed each other, we still loved so deeply. And in a milliseconds time, that was all

gone. The memories are there but the daily phone calls, bible time, coffee dates, holding hands while watching tv, snuggling in bed just to hear his breathing pattern and smell his scent, enjoying him standing in the kitchen while I cooked, being my dish washer ;) , someone who 111000% believed in who I was and backed me up is gone.. I don’t have him to lean on physically, mentally, or emotionally.

That was and is still hard.

One whole year without the one who lit up any room he walked into. I sometimes sit and imagine what it’s like in heaven. What he can see, what he’s doing, and imagine the day I will see him again. One day, there will be no more sorrow and no more pain. Until then, I will push through.

I say it often, but grief is so so so …weird… the thing with it being 1 year is that it doesn’t mean I’ll be “over it” since I made it to a year. My love for him will never stop, therefore, I’ll always grieve the loss of him and this life we would have had together.

I am extremely proud of myself. This year has been tough but I managed to keep my head above water when it felt like I was drowning. I showed up for myself and my kids. I didn’t do what anyone else thought I should do. I did what I needed to and I made no apologies for it. (I actually still don’t make any apologies for it.) 👏🏻 I took charge of my grief. Grabbed it by the horns, so to speak. 😂 and boy it got ugly… I made A-LOT

of changes too.